No storytime Tuesday this week, there hasn’t been storytime Tuesday for a while, but that is just because I am a rubbish human. So no storytime, but a thought, something that just came over me.
I’m 14. My whole life I have been asked the question ‘What do you want to be when you’re older?’, so many times, by so many people. Even at the age of 10, you give serious thought to what you want to be, what you want to do. At 5, you draw pictures of ‘When I’m older’. My whole life has been based on thinking about the future. From the moment I started school I was told I needed to do well, so I could get a good job, have a nice house, provide for my family and then what? Die? There always seems to be something else that I need to do. Admittedly, my parents do say ‘as long as your happy’, but they still want me to do well at school. For my GCSE’s I am predicted A’s and A*’s, I’ve worked hard, I’ve thought about what I want to do, what I want to be, my future. My whole life has been based on the future. I planned, thought about the consequences of things, behaved, tried never to get into trouble, did as I was told, thought before I acted, all because of what effect it would have on the future. The thing is now, now my brains confused, it’s telling me so many different things. I want to do well in my GCSE’s, I want to have a good future, but I’m tired of thinking of the future, I’m tired of trying hard so I get good GCSE’s so I can get a good job and so on. I just want everything to stop for a minute. I know I need to revise, to do more work than what just keeps me where I am and what I need to do, but I don’t want to anymore. I want to do something new everyday, something that surprises me, something risky. Because at the rate I’m going, I’m going to revise, work, revise, plan, think, revise and before I know it, I’ll be leaving school, and going into the world of work and my childhood will be over. I want to go out with my friends all the time, I want to have parties, just because they’re fun, I want to do whatever I want and not think about the consequences. But am I just being selfish? Probably. I mean so many people have it harder than me, my ancestors for one. I know we have to work to succeed, but really, all we’re doing is dying. We don’t know whats going to happen after we die and whether we’re earning £100,000 a year or £10,000 a year it’s not going to matter once we’re dead. When I’m old, what would I rather say to my grandchildren? ‘Oh yes, I earnt a lot of money and got this nice house’ or ‘I travelled the world, worked in so many different places, volunteered, helped people’? I think the latter, I’d rather have the stories than the money, but then, you need money to have the stories. You need money to travel the world, you need money for everything these days. Even if you just volunteered in England for the rest of your life, well you wouldn’t be able to do that because then you’d have no money to live on. This post is jumping here there and everywhere and I’m sorry, I just need to get this all out.
I’ve tried, behaved, thought, planned and everything. But now, when it matters, when I actually need to start thinking about what I want to do and to try harder than I ever have, I don’t want to anymore. I’m fed up. Fed up of the future. Most teenagers like sleep because well, they’re teenagers, but me, I like sleep because I don’t have to think about anything, or do anything, I can’t do anything wrong when I sleep.
At first, I thought I wanted to be a teacher, then it was a barrister, then a lawyer. Well I didn’t know out or barrister and lawyer, all I knew was that I wanted to work in law, but now I’m questioning that. You have to try so hard to work in law, get amazing grades and be very ‘good’. Then my brothers best friends step-dad said something on Sunday that really made me think. He said ‘If you’re a lawyer, would you be able to defend guilty people, try to win your case so that they can walk free and someone else who hasn’t done anything wrong gets put in jail?’. This really made me think, I don’t think I’d be able to do that actually, or want to. I spoke to my mum about it and her word were ‘you can’t let what one person says make you change your mind about your whole career’, now to me that sounds pretty reasonable but what he said really hit me. It’s actually really true and something I really need to consider, but as I said before, I don’t want to, I’m sick of considering things and planning. It’s future, future, future! What happens when there isn’t a future, huh? But you know what I’ve realised, I’m going to be planning for or thinking about the future until I die, and to be honest, that really scares me.
My mum also said I could be a lawyer for the state or something, where I prosecute guilty people or whatever. But I DON’T KNOW! What I’d actually really love to do is party plan. I’d love to be an events planner, it would be so much fun and from the person I am I think I’d love it. Then again I’d like to do a lot of things, to really live, not just survive. I’m so confused. But events planning doesn’t pay much and isn’t secure. Would I be able to deal with it? I don’t know. See what I mean? I need to think and have a plan, but at the moment, I just can’t, I just want to enjoy my childhood and do anything, just have fun, do whatever I want, whenever I want, but I don’t have that choice. If I don’t do well, I’m vulnerable and stepping into the unknown, which scares me, but maybe I should. Or should I just go with law, try as hard as I can and I succeed and then don’t enjoy it go to party planning with the choice for law still there if everything goes wrong? But then I’m going to spend what I have left of my childhood revising. URGH! I’m going to stop all of this now because I’m just confusing myself so much and just urgh! I don’t know what to do! Any ideas? Is it just me that’s thinking like this or do other people as well?
Jesus, I’m such a selfish person, but hardly anyone who reads this actually knows me anyway so….yeah, but I’m sorry. I’m just a mess at the moment, my whole life, and it’s not even just this. urgh. But maybe I’m just over reacting, I do that a lot, my family have been calling me a drama queen for as long as I can remember.
And calm Katie, I’m sorry I’ve just ranted on forever but that’s another thing I do, I rant and go on and on forever. Right, I’m going to go and have a shower and try to calm myself down a bit while life races around at 100 miles/hr. And if you’re wondering what brought this all on, you can blame it on the film ‘Elevator Girl’ which was just on. Sometimes certain things just trigger a whirlwind of emotions or thoughts or just anything.
Or I just get really depressed… but no one needs to hear any of that 😀 they have enough to deal with. I have so many emotions and urgh, SHUT UP KATIE!
Have a nice rest of Tuesday everyone.